So.......

I'm just going to ignore my nephew and his muttering under his breath.

His talk backs? I'll just sigh sadly and shake my head, feeling bad for him.

He'll be out of here by August.  And so will the dog. 

For now on, I'll just work on my novel and doing whatever else on the internet.

And I will ignore him.  I will not answer him or even notice him. 

He doesn't exist.

:/

Holy fucking shit!

Melissa Ferrick-Home

I had a panic attack six hours ago.

You see, my nephew is talking back to his mom, my mom and even me!

He thinks everything is a fucking joke, he always has to have the last word and he always keeps running his little foul mouth.  He's eight, I think?

He's been complaining that his mom doesn't get him anything.  Even though he has a kinect game thing, an x-box 360, nerf guns and toys, and a fucking PHONE!

It hurts me (and pisses me off to no end!) to see him right now and what he'd become when he gets older.

He has threatened me two times.  Once in front of his mother and she gave him an earful.

And I'm scared.  I am fucking scared of what he's going to become.

But it's not my place to do anything about it because he's not my son (Thank God!!!!!!!!!!).

At 11, my sister made him take a shower and told him to watch a show.  I didn't know what they were talking about because I was watching Conan.

He gets out of the shower, sis tells me to put on the show and it's about these 12-18 teens that are little pieces of shits, right? And they are given a little tour of where they would end up if they kept walking the wrong path they were on.  By the end, they're supposed to "see the light" and change their ways and if they don't, well then they're just a lost cause.

Anyway, my mom said that I should have been sent there.  My heart starts to beat faster and faster.  I rush to the bathroom and start poking my heart with two fingers and try to feel for a pulse (don't ask why!).  My arms start to feel numb and tingly.  My hands start shaking.  My breathing starts picking up and starts to get shallow. 

I did a quick Google and found out that I was having a panic attack.  For five minutes, I thought I was having a heart attack.

I talked to my sister and she said, "you're crazy!".

Yeah........

I don't know why I get so surprised each time.

After talking to someone (Kristin) I've calmed down.

I'm going to try and sleep now...

And I'm afraid again!

Emilie Autumn-Alas (The Knight)

My mom just told me that my sister told her that she and her husband are to find a place and leave me and my mom on our own.

For the time being!

I don't know how long that will take.

I've been washing the dishes but lately I haven't been doing it.

I should and will be more stern with myself now.  Even if I don't want to, I'll still do it.  I can just grab my mp3 player and all is fine (and fun!).

I don't know who is telling the truth.  All that is left now is to wait.

How can I find my footing and not drown?

So, I'm not seeing a therapist.  My mom won't help me find one.  I was supposed to see one like two month ago (remember this?) but she never called me back and never answered my calls.

So, fuck her. 

So, how can I find my footing on my own, with no outside help.  Is that even fucking safe?

I don't want to drown, I want to find someplace dry and safe.

I'm not getting a therapist anytime soon.  I'm painfully aware of that.  I have no friends (also painfully aware and I am trying to convince myself that I do not need friends and that I'm better off) to actually hang out with and talk. 

Online, yeah.  I suppose.

Bethany and I won't be talking until August (which is when I'll be moving and hopefully be in such better spirits!).  I'm trying to deal with that.

I'm currently looking for things to help me lead me to drylands. 

Hopefully a mermaid and let's hope she's fucking nice and not thirsty.

Some maid-of-honor

Music: Emilie Autumn-Swallow (The Opheliac Companion)

My sister is getting married in 15 days.  I've got the dress, the shoes and the fishnets (almost wrote fish sticks).  I just need a garter belt and a necklace.

My sister messaged me one day asking me if I could keep a secret.  I lied and she told me that she was beginning to have second thoughts on marrying the bastard.  But I guess she figured that she should just go ahead and just go on with it after paying for shit.

I'm glad and do not regret not wanting to help out my sister on her wedding stuff.

I won't be a maid of honor to someone who hasn't been much honorable to me.

I also found out that I won't be left alone with my mom after all.  My sister is looking for a much bigger place.  And I hope that I get my own room.

I have things on hold that I am ready to start on right away (tarot reading and my autobiography to name a few).

When my sister announced that I would be left alone with my mom to take care of her, I was lost and deathly afraid.

But now finding out that it's not the case anymore, I can breathe.

But knowing that, why am I still holding my breath and waiting for the absolute worst?

It's sad that I can never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever fucking EVER, rest and be certain. 

That's one thing to cross off the list!

Otep-Baby's Breath

My sister woke me up to invite me out to eat.  Knowing that there was nothing in the fridge, I got dressed and went.

Once we got a seat, I just got it over with and grabbed a plate and then dug in.

My sister and her husband were seated in front of me and my mom was beside me.

As I ate, I was aware of every little movement I was making.

I glanced at my sis and I got more angrier and angrier.

That subsided and it somehow turned into depression.  I just couldn't eat anymore, so I was just moping just stirring my drink, staring at the table and then occasionally laughing at dumb jokes and then smiling nervously because sis kept staring at me.

My sister asked me if I was going to get up and get seconds.  I put it off by saying, "Later."
 

I wasn't going to get seconds.  I didn't want to get up.   I didn't want to do anything.  I just wanted to go home and fucking cry and sleep.

Her husband kept commenting why I didn't eat so I got up and got some ice cream just to shut him up.

And then when I came back, he said how he wished he was somebody else so he could slap me because I was throwing a "tantrum". Even though I was just staring at stuff and trying so hard not to cry.

I glared at him and was like "Excuse me?" and he pointed to my sister and she just nodded.  And then he rudely says, "I wasn't talking to you.  I was talking to your mom!" As if that makes a bloody fucking difference!

And instead of my mom defending me, she says, "Yeah, she called the police on me once." and he starts kissing major ass and says, "But, you're such a kind person!".

I was in total shock but kept eating my ice cream trying to breathe slowly.

Mom starts going on and on about how closed off I am in public and he says, "So, she'll be locked up in her room forever?"

And beyond that question, I wasn't paying attention anymore.  I kept checking my pulse in my neck (Don't ask me why >.<), breathing slowly and my eyes fixed on the ice cream.  My breathing getting faster and more shallower, I notice that my stomach was tensing like I wanted to scream my lungs out.  Not wanting to do that, I throw down the spoon, grab my purse and run outside to let it out.

And boy, did I let it out. 

I didn't go back inside.  I didn't want to so I just waited for them outside.

Back in the car, I drowned them out with music and stared blankly out the window.

My sister and her dear, dear *gags* husband, had plans apparently (bitch doesn't complain that she was tired for that <.<) so he comments if they should leave me at home or something.  My sister and mom start saying how that was a lovely idea.

But I don't get dropped off.  Instead, my sister has him go to a mall.  My sister and her husband go somewhere else while my mom and I go to a clothing store.  I didn't want to check out clothes.  I just wanted to fucking curl up and sleep forever.

To calm myself down, I just told myself to calm down and that I had all night to cry.

But it's now two in the morning and no tears.

I am okay right now.  I'm not exactly a bundle of happy, happy, happy!

But I'm okay.

And I am okay with feeling okay.  Just as long as I don't feel like I'm drowning, I'm okay.  I can breathe and for that, I am grateful.

I am not looking forward to the next "drowning".  Which I fear will happen today.

We shall see...

Otep-I, alone

Edit: It didn't happen.  I can still breathe.  

No need

Hungry Lucy-Blame

The day before Friday, my sister and I had plans to visit this place where the concert would be held.  I wake up all excited.  Sis told me that she came home that day because it would be the last day of work for her.  I wake up at twelve.  I had 20 minutes to get ready.  So, I take a shower and then get dressed.

Sis comes home and she asks me where I was headed.

Thinking she's fucking around, I tell her that we were supposed to go to that one thing.  She tells me that she was too tired.  She leaves and I angrily take off my clothes and put on my dress.

By the time the food was ready, sister comes back and I give her a little look.  She notices this and calls me out on it.

I tell her that I have been waiting for her.

She goes on to say that she has been working (she sits on her fat ass all day and occasionally monitors the bathrooms!).

"I have been waiting!" I yell.

"And what do you do? You sit all day being lazy!"

I repeat what I shouted and she gets all condescending, saying, "Oh, poor you! You've been waiting!"

And what happens after that?

I lay down, start crying and then I hit the side of my head really hard two times.

After the "rush" ends, mom comes home and my sister tells her what happened.  What does my mom do?

She fucking laughs!

Hours later, my sister takes a shower and then gets dressed to go out and get food.

Fuck her!!!!!!!!

Otep-Apex