That's one thing to cross off the list!

Otep-Baby's Breath

My sister woke me up to invite me out to eat.  Knowing that there was nothing in the fridge, I got dressed and went.

Once we got a seat, I just got it over with and grabbed a plate and then dug in.

My sister and her husband were seated in front of me and my mom was beside me.

As I ate, I was aware of every little movement I was making.

I glanced at my sis and I got more angrier and angrier.

That subsided and it somehow turned into depression.  I just couldn't eat anymore, so I was just moping just stirring my drink, staring at the table and then occasionally laughing at dumb jokes and then smiling nervously because sis kept staring at me.

My sister asked me if I was going to get up and get seconds.  I put it off by saying, "Later."
 

I wasn't going to get seconds.  I didn't want to get up.   I didn't want to do anything.  I just wanted to go home and fucking cry and sleep.

Her husband kept commenting why I didn't eat so I got up and got some ice cream just to shut him up.

And then when I came back, he said how he wished he was somebody else so he could slap me because I was throwing a "tantrum". Even though I was just staring at stuff and trying so hard not to cry.

I glared at him and was like "Excuse me?" and he pointed to my sister and she just nodded.  And then he rudely says, "I wasn't talking to you.  I was talking to your mom!" As if that makes a bloody fucking difference!

And instead of my mom defending me, she says, "Yeah, she called the police on me once." and he starts kissing major ass and says, "But, you're such a kind person!".

I was in total shock but kept eating my ice cream trying to breathe slowly.

Mom starts going on and on about how closed off I am in public and he says, "So, she'll be locked up in her room forever?"

And beyond that question, I wasn't paying attention anymore.  I kept checking my pulse in my neck (Don't ask me why >.<), breathing slowly and my eyes fixed on the ice cream.  My breathing getting faster and more shallower, I notice that my stomach was tensing like I wanted to scream my lungs out.  Not wanting to do that, I throw down the spoon, grab my purse and run outside to let it out.

And boy, did I let it out. 

I didn't go back inside.  I didn't want to so I just waited for them outside.

Back in the car, I drowned them out with music and stared blankly out the window.

My sister and her dear, dear *gags* husband, had plans apparently (bitch doesn't complain that she was tired for that <.<) so he comments if they should leave me at home or something.  My sister and mom start saying how that was a lovely idea.

But I don't get dropped off.  Instead, my sister has him go to a mall.  My sister and her husband go somewhere else while my mom and I go to a clothing store.  I didn't want to check out clothes.  I just wanted to fucking curl up and sleep forever.

To calm myself down, I just told myself to calm down and that I had all night to cry.

But it's now two in the morning and no tears.

I am okay right now.  I'm not exactly a bundle of happy, happy, happy!

But I'm okay.

And I am okay with feeling okay.  Just as long as I don't feel like I'm drowning, I'm okay.  I can breathe and for that, I am grateful.

I am not looking forward to the next "drowning".  Which I fear will happen today.

We shall see...

Otep-I, alone

Edit: It didn't happen.  I can still breathe.