My invisble letter to her

I'm finally free of you. 

Um, okay.  You're over me.  That's good to hear!

You'll never leave my heart for good because no one you truly love does

LMAO! I'm sorry, but I have to laugh at this.  Truly loved me? If you truly loved me, you wouldn't have told me to check myself into a mental hospital because I had an anxiety attack on a public bus! And I still remember what you said after, "You know, Emilie Autumn made it seem like it was bad but it's probably not!".  I needed you to calm me down.  I NEEDED you THERE! Fuck, I was better off going to Michael (Ghosty).  Fuck, why didn't I go to him instead?! I even thought about it but I didn't because I figured he had his own life and his own problems.  I was better off with him. 
  I regret not doing this. 

 and obviously you're still around

Yeah, I am.  Because you told me it was okay if I stuck around the forum. 


 but you broke my heart

I could say that I'm sorry but truth be told, I'm not sorry for cheating on you with him.  If I could go back, I'd do it all over again and not change one thing and still choose him! Because I rather be with him and BE HAPPY than pretending to be happy with you whilst longing for something great to come along and he dropped in my life JUST when I needed him.  And I think I found something real with him.  

 and I have finally found more capable hands to put it in to help fix it since I clearly couldn't by myself. 

Good for you.  I'm happy that someone out there in this great big bright world can handle your crazy ass! Because I could not.  You made me feel stupid and made me google stuff to figure out what the bloody fuck you were blabbering on about.  And that was every day! Your music tastes? Never matched mine.  And I wasn't even interested in the music you were into.  I hate musicals.  Your "stories" and "fan-fiction"? Lol.  Never once read them through.  I skimmed, read the middle, got bored and skipped to the end and then messaged you with vague comments about what happened, throwing random names around that I glanced at.  "________ is a lovely name! And omg! That ending! *Fake gasp!* Oh noooooo! Why did it end like that!" Or  "_____ is a lovely name! D'awww, that ending.  It was so sweet!"

Gag me with a fucking spoon -.-

I mean, fuck, you had a weird obsession with serial killers! And you terrified me one night (telling me a story about this couple who drugged one of her sisters, raped her then killed her o.o).  That made me have second thoughts about being with you.  I started an OkCupid dating profile the next day. 

And your sick and twisted fantasy scared me away as well.  I mean, who in their right mind wants to WILLINGLY go through that? What, do you go through dark alley's and corners, hoping someone would grab you, pin you down and rape you just so you know what it feels like?

NO!!!!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!! NO!!!!!! NO!!!!!!! You're fucking insane and twisted and disgusting.   I think the person who needs to be locked (with the key thrown) up is you.  Seriously.  No woman, in their right minds, walks the streets at night, HOPING and WISHING for that to happen to them. 

and have been relishing in your misbegotten love in the meantime. 

Oh and relishing I have! The entire month of December and even 'til this day! *Shifty eyes*

 But you're wrong in one thing.  "Misbegotten".  I've never made a clearer decision in my life (so far).  I've never felt more alive and just...happy.  And I fell for him, naturally.  With the little help of music and just taking the time to know each other.  As well as loving the company shared.

Unlike how you and I were forced together by a raging bitch under the username of "Dark_Spiral".  Why did I let myself be thrown into that relationship? I do not know.  Flattery, I suppose? Hmm.  That doesn't feel right.  I'll go ahead and take option B.  "Blind and foolish!".  Ah, that feels about right!

I don't know if you have even thought about me much during our time apart 

Yes but it was only to compare how much better he was for me than you ever were.  And why I was with you and even that thought was short-lived.  I never missed you and what we "had". 

or if you even care what's happened to me since then

Mmmm, no, not really, no :)  But keep thinking I did if that makes you sleep at night. 

 but I'm finally letting you go.  I can say this at last and truly mean it. Goodbye, for now and forever.

Adios, you nutter! >:D Please, for my sake, let me go.  Because I don't want to be held onto by some woman who DOES deserve to be in a mental hospital. 

I only feel bad for your current girlfriend and many others.

I don't really have any last words.  All that I've ever wanted to say has been said (revealed your dark secret that isn't so secret anymore.  Whoops!)

I'm not going to say, "I miss you!/I'll miss you!" because that's a damn lie. 

Oh! I do have one last thing to say....

I came across a post of yours that a beloved cat of yours, was missing? Did I read that right? *scratches head*

You know, that is ONE SMART LITTLE KITTY! I'm so damn happy for him! Run! Run! Ruuuuuuun, as fast and as far away as possible from Bethany!

Goodbye, Bethany, goooooooooooooodbye! >:)

Her letter

The Shroud-Mirrorworld

So, I kind of ran into this post of hers and I know it's addressed to me because she once told me that she was Meghan and I was Greham from this lesbian movie called, "But I'm A Cheerleader".

I'm going to post it first and then put in my detailed thoughts in the follow-up post.

Here's her little letter:

Dear Graham,

I'm finally free of you. You'll never leave my heart for good because no one you truly love does, and obviously you're still around, but you broke my heart, and I have finally found more capable hands to put it in to help fix it since I clearly couldn't by myself. You completely destroyed me for a while and have been relishing in your misbegotten love in the meantime. I don't know if you have even thought about me much during our time apart or if you even care what's happened to me since then, or if you'll even read this, but I'm finally letting you go.

I can say this at last and truly mean it. Goodbye, for now and forever.





Alright.  Let's tear this apart, shall we? :)

A bit blocked...

The Webb-I'm Not Listening

I'm attempting to write my novel (after practically a year of not writing!) and the words are right there for me to write but I can not bring myself to write the words.  I guess I'll try again tomorrow night.

I suppose I know what's keeping me from focusing right now.  You see, a while ago, my mom told me that I go out and live LIFE.

Well, on Dec.9th, I SHALL LIVE LIFE TO THE FUCKING FULLEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There's an Emilie Autumn concert that night and a dear friend of mine is making me a sign so Veronica Varlow can pick me to play "The Motherfucking Rat Game!" up on STAGE.  That's right, fucker.  On stage!

As a person who can not look at anyone in the face (anymore...) and has real BAD anxiety attacks when surrounding with people is going to get her ass up on stage and kiss the lovely and sexy Veronica Fucking Varlowwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!

I've personally never kissed anyone (never even been kissed on the cheek! O.O) but on Monday night I might (I say might because I saw a video awhile ago and this girl had a sign but she picked someone who didn't even have a sign <.<)!

But there's still a good chance I might be picked.  Because that dear friend I mentioned earlier made a sign for someone and she got picked!!!! And he just showed me the sign a while ago and it's fucking prettyyyy and he's going to make me one and send it tomorrow and hopefully it arrives on time!

By possibly kissing Veronica (in front of God knows how many fucking people!!!!!!), I may just cross that off on my little black list and stop worrying so much about what my mom said. 

What a shitty move!

I spent all day watching half of The Vampire Diaries (season 1) while I waited for it to be dinner time.  When it rolled around, I was expecting just four of us (five, including me) to have a nice dinner.  There was one seat at the end of the table.  Three on one side and two on the other.  And my brother in law was going to sit on the couch at the other end.  I was wondering why there was two extra chairs on the other side.  Then I heard my sister say, "Bring in one more chair!", I started freaking out and looking around all helpless.  I sat down, looking all around me, uncertain and lost.

I thanked nephew for saying sorry to me (I'll explain it in a post and then link it to this post) because of that one time.  I thanked bro in law for being a part of the family.  I thanked sis for getting me those EA concert tickets.  Thanked mom for always being there for me.  And then I had to thank those damn idiots too because I had to.

I served myself and started feeling uncomfortable but functional.  Second serving, really awkward.  Third-ish serving, I needed to get the fuck out of there!

And I did.  And I never came back out of the room.  Went into the bathroom, put my fist in my mouth, bit it (because I wanted to scream "FUCK!") and then threw down the toilet paper to the ground.  Came back out and started trembling and whenever I heard my sister laugh, my stomach would clench and tighten.

What a treat on Halloween

On August of 25th, I sent a little message to a band called The Webb that I mentioned them in my novel, "Nocturnal Mermaid".  They were pleased.

The Webb Hope the novel is coming on nicely.. x

 October 30 at 1:23am

Crystal Ramos *Feels a chill* Hi! *Hugs* I got a chill (okay, it's cold too) but mainly because I just typed The Webb in the very first (very first band to be mentioned, actually!) chapter. But it's coming out just nicely! It's more than lovely that you remember. Means a lot to me.

October 30 at 1:25am

Crystal Ramos I don't normally do this (to bands at least lol) but would you like to read the first chapter? It's a work in progress currently. Or would you wait until the finished chapter or novel? Leaving it up to you. x

 October 30 at 1:28am

The Webb spoooooky ... lookin forward to reading the finished product.. keep warm xx

 October 30 at 1:28am

The Webb feel free to e mail your 1st chapter as a nice taster for us.. e mail is listentothesirens@hotmail.co.uk x thanx

 October 30 at 1:31am

Crystal Ramos ^.^ As you wish. Look forward to the new album! And thanks! xxxxxx Have a fangtastic Halloween. And I'll send the first taster. Hehe.

 October 30 at 1:33am

The Webb brill.. happy hallo scream to you ooooh

 October 30 at 1:35am

Crystal Ramos Sent! Hope you enjoy.

 

***And here is the e-mail***

 

Hey Crystal

We read your first chapter together and loved it. Fast moving, visually atmospheric and full of intrigue! Great characters too, all with their own personalities and sparkling conversation. You’ve got the goth vibe down to perfection. It is screaming out to be made into a movie, and you’ve got a cool soundtrack to accompany it!!! Thanks to the power of Google, we have researched the likes of The Shroud, Ayria and Blutengel... all of whom we hadn't heard before. There are SO many cool bands out there!

Thanks for having one of our songs on in the club! Let’s go there tonight and dance!!

Looking forward to seeing what’s in store for young Scarlett!

Hope you don't mind us pointing out something in the sentence beginning “She motioned...” Presume it should read either “as she led me inside”, OR “and led me inside”.  Obviously a proof reader would flag things like this up when it goes to print!

Hope you enjoy the rest of your writing, and relish the whole process. Our friend Die Booth, the author, loves Be My Lover too!! We had fun making that video. Me meandering down the alleyway behind our house in a charity shop bought wedding dress! And marc standing on the pavement ,videoing it!

Presume we have a time difference??! It is 12.15pm here. Both off work today, getting ready for our trick OR treat visitors later on! Thanx again for letting us read chapter one.  Lots of literary love and little black roses. Becki and Marc AKA The Webb xxxx

💕

 

Look much deeper

If I said I wanted you back because obviously that whole thing in Affinity about your soul withering if it can't reach its other half is true.......what might your answer be?

 Yes I really want you back. Not having you has been much worse than waiting for you. I would much rather wait and know you'll be waiting for me too than wait alone and hope you'll still be there later.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This was her question to me that she told me to wait for.  The question that caught me off-guard.  

What she REALLY means is that she wants to string me along, to wait for the next big thing.

I mean, fuck, she doesn't even want to meet me in person.  She has college and she wants to be a teacher and that takes up a lot of time.  

And she doesn't want to meet me during her breaks or in-between.

A rant

It seems every time that I go into the "Fashion District", I have something to blog about...

Today, I went with my sister to buy shoes and leggings for my trip to Las Vegas (leaving on Tuesday!).

We go into a store and I notice this woman.  She has nice hair (and everything else-including her jeans with a striped top).  She turns around and I naturally direct my gaze down.

I can't help it, okay?

Anyway, I'm totally checking her out and she turns around too quick.

And then she starts boasting about her boyfriend to her mother or whatever the fuck she is.

The shoes in the store don't look good anyway so I just gesture to my sister to get out of there.

As we walk out, she tells her mom that I checked her out.

Safely away from her ears, I tell my sister that that bitch didn't need to spell it out.  I got her the first time that she had a boyfriend.

But later on, I felt like shit.

8/30/13 edit: I'm okay now.  The feeling like shit has passed ever since I came back from Las Vegas.  I suppose I really let loose in Vegas and I saw some Playboy bunnies (one had a real good ass!).

<3